9/23/2018 0 Comments Do i really want to die?September 23, 2018; 10:25pmSo we all are aware of my depression and suicidal thoughts, it's nothing new and I doubt it will ever go away. But I was talking to my uncle a while ago and my uncle and I don't really talk much he really just sees me as an annoying teenager who is always on her phone. We aren't really close is what I am trying to say. But we were at my cousin's birthday party and I was going through some stuff and he asked me why I'm in such a mood. I told him nothing and started crying. He came over and sat with me and I just told him he didn't understand what was going on and how badly I wanted to die all of the time. He asked me why I don't do it then. He told me "if you really wanted to die then you would follow through with it, but you're scared." Skip forward to tonight and I was angry and driving home which is never a good combo for me, and I thought back to like a month ago when I was driving and was almost in an accident which caused someone to spin out and face the wrong way on the highway. I instantly called Alan and told him that I was scared and I was crying and tonight thinking about it really got to me. If I wanted to die so bad why would I be scared? Why would I be careful driving? Back in Indiana with my depression, driving, I wanted to die so bad I prepared myself to drive into a brick wall. I got my tires in the grass, gripped my steering wheel and braced myself, only for me to turn the wheel at the last second. Why? If I truly wanted to die so bad why didn't I go through with it? Do I really want to die? Honestly I'm not sure. My thoughts have gotten to the point where I dream up ways I am going to die but why don't I follow through? I guess I'm hoping I will get better but I honestly don't see it ever happening... Maybe one day
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9/17/2018 0 Comments im used to itSeptember 17th, 2018; 12:10amYesterday I went to Alan's and we were watching our normal show 'Jane the Virgin' and I just started crying out of no where. He kept asking me what is wrong and wouldn't answer. I sat up wiped my tears and remembered my mom asked me to go get bananas from the store and she didn't want me to go alone so I said "lets go for a drive". Anyone who knows me personally knows that driving is my escape. I play sad music and just drive and that's exactly what we did. After we got to Fry's we got the bananas and I could feel him staring at me and I looked over at him and started crying. again. He said "is it because of me?" I said "no... well I mean kinda but its not bad". The reason I was crying is because I found myself getting more comfortable around him and starting to fall in love with him and everything about him. When I fall in love with someone I get really scared because every guy that has come into my life has broken me in some way and I wasn't ready to feel broken by him. The whole car ride home was silent. After we got to his house I rolled down the windows and turned the car off but kept the music playing. We sat in my car for an hour and just talked. We talked about my mental health and how I want him to be when I get super depressed, we talked about how I was falling in love with him, and we talked about who I am. I tend to portray myself as a 'hard body' but thats not who I really am. No one really knows who I truly am. I spend a lot of time in my room because that's the only time I can be my true self. I told him I wanted to show him the real me but I'm scared because I've never let anyone into that part of my life before, it has always just been me, myself, and I. I told him about how bad my depression gets and he started crying. I started to get really into what I was talking about when he started to get out of the car. I instantly stopped thinking that something I said had made him mad. Crying I grabbed his arm and said "wait please don't leave". He sat back down and hugged me so tight. Wiping tears from his face I asked what's wrong and apologized if I said something that made him upset. He said "I dont want you to die. I dont want to lose you, I can't lose you." No one has said that to me before and I never knew he felt so strongly about me. Instantly I stopped focusing on my problems and how I was feeling and I told him I wasn't going anywhere. It became late enough and I needed to leave. I asked him to give me a real hug outside and he said "Thats why I was getting out of the car. I wanted to give you a real hug." I thought he was leaving. I thought I had said something to make him mad and I thought he was gonna go inside and leave. why did I think like that? Because when I have deep conversations with guys they normally leave and walk away because I made them upset. That's what I was used too. I took a step back and thought about everything that had just happened and I realized he definitely isn't like anyone else and I've decided to try to let him get to know the true me.
9/13/2018 0 Comments THeres 7 billion peopleSeptember 13, 2018; 3:17pmIn Fishers Indiana, the city I come from, there are 90,000 people. That is 0.00001299% of the worlds population. After I moved to Arizona my eyes were opened to a whole new culture and lifestyle. Not everyone has a home. In Indiana you would only see a couple homeless people who weren't even homeless. But on my drive home from work I see at least 15 actual homeless people. I see people pushing carts across the street, sleeping on the rocks, sleeping on bus stop benches. It is a whole new world out here. If the city that I come from is only 0.00001299% of the world's population what percentage do you think your city is? Everyone thinks they have found their soulmate in the small city that they live in. But to be honest they probably aren't. What are the odds that your "soulmate" is part of your small percentage that is in your city? When Alan and I first started talking we couldn't believe the odds. The odds that I moved, that I found him, and that he didn't live extremely far from me. Everyone needs to take a step back and get out and experience life because odds are that your "soulmate" isn't in your city's percentage.
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