7/29/2018 0 Comments I love being happyjuly 29, 2018 12:25amI don't even know where to start. So this morning I picked up Alan around 8am and we headed to Honda to get my oil changed. They found 2 nails in my tires and ended up screwing me over really bad so I was really mad because we were supposed to be in Sedona by 10:30 and we were already 2 hours behind schedule and I felt really bad because I felt like I ruined our day and now my car was unable to be driven. So I just walked over to him and put my head on his shoulder and told me everything was gonna be okay and everything happens for a reason. My mom ended up giving me her car to drive and on the way to Sedona we had the best conversation about what we wanted in life and really got to know each other. We got to our hiking spot and we hiked 4 miles to devils bridge and I actually had an amazing time. We had so many laughs and it is definitely a time I will never forget. We finally got to the top and the view was beautiful. We took our first picture of us together and I couldn't stop smiling the whole trip. When we were driving back it started pouring and I had mentioned before that when I get scared or stressed out that I just like to listen to music and sing and it helps me focus but because we were going in and out of the mountains my music cut off and I got super stressed out and he calmed me down by continuing to hum the song that got cut out due to the mountains. I had such a great time and I can't wait to experience life with him. He's becoming my person but honestly I wouldn't wanna have it any other way :)
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July 28,2018 2:00ami never knew someone who you literally met 3 days ago could make you so happy. that you could be so obsessed. Since I have met Alan i have been a completely different person. it’s like my whole mood every day changed. i wake up happy. i go to bed happy. tonight i put austin to sleep after i got home from hanging out with him. i would’ve never done that. driving to and from his house i always have the biggest smile on my face. i haven’t felt true happiness like this in so long. i just hope i don’t fuck this up like i do everything else. we’ve only been talking for a little while but i feel like i’ve known him forever. Tomorrow morning we are supposed to be going to sedona for a road trip and to hike and he hasn’t texted me since i got home. so i’m assuming he fell asleep but i’m nervous that he’s not gonna wake up in time to go tomorrow. because it’s happened to me before but not with him. my first instinct was to text him like how i used to text dru and be upset that he fell asleep and might not wake up in time tomorrow. But for some reason he’s completely different. I trust him. like a lot, and i never trust people. this is a completely new experience and a new type of happiness but i am beyond ready to take it on.
July 26, 2018So I have been bailed on 3 times by the same guy for dinner so tonight this guy from snapchat asked if I wanted to hang out and so I thought he was going to bail on me like the other guy did but he didn't! We drove around and talked for a long time and then we came back to my house and watched Netflix and when we were talking we realized that we are like the exact same person and by the end of the night I felt like I had known him for a long time and he is someone I can see myself being in a relationship with. For the first time since I have been out here I felt like I was safe with someone again and it was probably the best feeling I have had since I have been out here. We are going on a date tomorrow so we will see how that goes and I couldn't be happier :)
7/17/2018 0 Comments life updateJuly 17, 2018 10:51pm So for a little life update... I have a new best friend named Hunter and last night we drove around and he showed me around and we just listened to music with the windows down for 3 hours and then sat and talked about our life and everything we've been through in our lifetime. Its really nice to just have someone my own age out here that I can talk to and be real with about everything. Ive been hanging out with more people and meeting new people and it is honestly may favorite thing to do is meet new people. I am really excited to start school in August too. But today was my birthday and I hung out with one of my friends Justin and we watched black mirror and I watched him play fornite and then Hunter and I went to dutch bros and played with Austin. Then my mom came home and I went to eat and Ive been in my feels ever since I got back from dinner. It didn't even feel like my birthday if I'm being completely honest it was just like another day. It's kinda sad but hopefully next year will be better :(
July 12, 2018 1:28amSo I realized yesterday that Blaze blocked me on snap. I texted him asking why and he said "because youre annoying". But it's funny because the other day he was telling me about how I was the love of his life. hm. interesting if you ask me. what happened in the meantime? I confronted him about showing up to where AJ was just to hang out with her and him constantly asking her to hangout. he told me "youre annoying" and a day later blocked me. Then on instagram the question thing is going around and lily asked Blaze if he would smash or pass Abby. the girl I despise and in the past he told me "not to worry about". He commented...smash. interesting once again if you ask me. He proceeded to tell me that after "everything ive pulled" out here im "not a part of his life anymore" I just don't understand what I did wrong. He sees me being happy and always goes and blocks me and I just don't understand. But you always have to take negative things and turn them positive. so I found a tweet that said "stop checking in on a person that doesn't check in on you. they don't care. you're wasting your time. move on and find someone that will appreciate your concern". I wish I could've found this quote 6 months ago but its never to late for a new inspirational quote to make an appearance.
7/6/2018 0 Comments California tripJuly 6,2018 9:55pmso where do I start? I got to pick up Lily from her hotel and we stayed in California for 3 days and dogs weren't allowed in our hotel so we had to smuggle him in every time we left the hotel and we did pretty good until the last day when he barked really loud in the elevator so everyone in the elevator knew. then driving back to Arizona we passed three wild fires and we could actually feel the heat from the fire in our car. Then we were driving for over 300 miles and we passed these cute guys so we rolled down the window and got their snapchats and they actually don't live that far from me! Moral of the story... Be bold.
7/2/2018 0 Comments Is true love real?July 2, 2018 8:03pmReminiscing about when I was back in Indiana. After my mom left to come out to Arizona I didn't really have any parental guidance. I was living with friends and seeing who was basically my boyfriend Blaze every day. One really hard thing about relationships is when your best friend and boyfriend don't like each other. But Lily and Blaze loved each other. All three of us would hang out in Blaze's basement every night and we would watch the new episode of Black Mirror on Netflix. We had the best times the three of us. Blaze would have friends over like Luke and we would all hang out and I was genuinely happy. As you know if you've read my June posts, I battle with depression. But for the first time since Dru and I broke up I was finally happy again. I had a real smile on my face and I was really living my best life with my best friends. We would sing in the car, Blaze and I ended up getting really close and I had hoped that he was going to ask me out before I left, but he didn't. He had songs that he would show me in the car that he said reminded him of me and I would just sit and cry every time I listened to them. The fact that someone can be reminded of you by a song, The fact that someone could think of me that way when I had only been hating myself, really made me feel loved. My first couple posts in my blog are before I left to come out to Arizona. I cried every night leading up to when I left. I would cry with Lily and Blaze but he would never cry. I asked him if he really loved me if he couldn't even be upset that I was leaving. He saId he just doesn't cry. The day that I had been dreading finally came. June 9th 2018. I drove over to Blaze's house before I left to say goodbye. I gave him a hug and a kiss and I said "this isn't goodbye. I will see you soon". He quickly turned around and starting walking back towards the house. I decided it was time to leave. But I needed one last hug. I called his name but he didn't turn around. So I ran up to him as he leaned against his car. I gave him a hug and played with his hair like I always did and realized he was crying. I had been balling my eyes out all night and morning. This was the moment when I realized he really did love me. We sat there and hugged for as long as possible before I was going to be late. I gave him one last hug and kiss and got into my car. As I was driving away I looked in my rear view mirror and saw him standing behind my car crying. Until you have gone through the pain of having to leave someone you love and you literally have to just drive away when you see them hurting you will never understand. I am such a people person and I want to make everyone happy and leaving someone that I love hurting killed me inside. I finally met up with my grandma at Lily's house and I said my goodbyes to Lily, although I didn't cry. I believe I didn't cry because a part of me knew I would see Lily again soon (Lily if you're reading this 16 hours now ;)) But I felt as if I didn't know if or when I would see Blaze again. before I left his family gave me going away presents and I just wanted to cry. Blaze always had this really soft blanket that I loved and whenever I would go over to his house I would shotgun this blanket. So I was opening up my gifts and I feel something soft. So I open it up and I said "awe you got me a blanket just like yours" and he said "no thats THE blanket, thats my blanket and I want you to have it". I wanted to ball my eyes out right then and there. Its like he made every mad feeling go away. I know I talked about how Dru and I talked about getting married and having kids and how it broke me but in my head I did the same thing with Blaze. I would always ask him how he felt about certain names and I dreamed up what our kids would look like. It absolutely broke me when we got into our first big fight. and if you couldn't guess what it was over; communication. If you have a long distance relationship you have to be willing to communicate. I would get so frustrated sitting in my room all day every day waiting for him to text me and I would never get one. So I ended things. Thats when I started doing things for myself and doing things that made me happy. We went back to talking and then got into another fight but even bigger this time over abby. He ended up blocking me and I had a meltdown. I hate not being able to contact people. Like I had absolutely no way of talking to him and so I would go through Lily any time I needed to tell him something. She asked him to unblock me multiple times but he wasn't budging and I wasn't getting unblocked. Eventually I talked with my mom and she texted him asking to listen to what I had to say about our fight and he did. Apparently after that she had asked him to come surprise me for my birthday but he unfortunately said no. Last night we got into another argument. He blocked me on snapchat so I went straight to text. I always thought when he didn't text me it was because he simply forgot about me. But Lily said "it might hurt him to talk to you now that youre gone" but I never saw things that way. He always told me he was "to busy" to talk to me and every time he told me that I just felt my self worth go more and more low. Last night during our argument he told me "the love of my life moved across the country what am I supposed to do? I wanted us and I wanted you but it wouldn't have ever worked". I didn't know how to feel. All I could say was "I wish you would've told me how you felt about me instead of trying to make it seem like you didn't want me." I got to the question of asking myself 'Do I still love him?' I honestly think I do. But like he saId it would only work if he was willing to move out here but that just wouldn't work since he's not willing to move. I would be willing to do long distance but he isn't so I honestly dont know what to do. After our argument he told me he was going to bed and he will let me know in the morning if ill be blocked forever. I said okay and left it at that. About 3 hours later I get a text from him at 3am my time. Fortunately I was still awake because I couldn't sleep after our argument. I read the text and I got really bad news from him. I calmed him down and made sure everything was okay and that he was okay and told him he needed to rest so I will let him go to sleep. and he said "okay goodnight princess". I only started crying again. He used to call me that when we were still together. I told him I would always be there for him no matter what the situation is or when it is. Tonight I asked him why I was the first person he texted and he said "idk I needed to tell someone and you were the first person that came to mind". Earlier I had told him that he can block me out of his phone and erase all of our stuff together but he can't erase me from his head and all the fun times we had together. I told him that if he hears one of our songs he's still going to think about me. It doesn't matter if I am blocked or not. Take that as advice everyone. Just because you block someone from your phone doesn't mean you can block them from your mind. I think I still love him but I don't know and won't know how he completely feels about me.
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