8/30/2018 0 Comments personal celebrationAugust 30, 2018; 9:00pmSo today is Austin's birthday and he turned 1. A year ago today I left the hospital in an argument with my mom and had been planning on killing myself the day he was born. After I left the hospital I was driving home with my grandma and was complaining to her and it slipped that I was planning on killing myself. My grandma had never known that I cut or even thought like that. When it slipped she said "Isabelle don't joke like that there are people who are seriously going through that right now". I was just silent. I cried myself to sleep a year ago today. When she eventually saw my cuts she thought I was doing It all for attention and told me to stop. No one ever took me seriously. Personally I saw that as a challenge. I never thought a year from then I would be living in Arizona for my senior year and making tons of new friends. I never even knew I would make it this far. Today not only do I celebrate Austin's birthday but personally I celebrate the one of many times I pushed through what I was going through and made it to today. I am beyond proud of myself for making it to today and anyone who is struggling you can do it I believe in you and who knows where life will take you a year from now.
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8/22/2018 0 Comments Who are you?Wednesday August 22, 2018; 12:10amDo you ever know who you really are? like actually? the only reason you are who you are is because of the experiences you were put through. Relationships come and go and so do you. with each relationship you learn what you want from the next person or warning signs to look out for. but the only reason you are who you think you are is because of relationships with friends and boyfriends/ girlfriends. So my question is do you ever know who you really are or are you just basing your life and what you like off of experiences that you have gone through? As you get older you change and so does society. As you get older and your mind takes in more things you mature and understand more. You think you know who you are when you’re 12, then 14, then 16 and so on but really your mind is always adapting to new things around you. For me i thought i knew who i was in Indiana. I thought i knew myself and i was going to go to Arizona knowing who i was and what i wanted in life but i was so beyond wrong. I came to Arizona thinking i knew myself. But i didn’t. Being out here and being alone for a month gave me a lot of time to think and self reflect. My whole life path changed when i moved out here. Not only have i changed mentally but physically as well. My friend said “you 100% glowed up when you moved” and she’s right. I lost 13 pounds and cut my hair and got tan and more blonde but i also changed my mind set. My mind set used to be that i wanted to just party and have a good time and live my teenage years because i can never get them back. but in the back of my mind i always knew that didn’t feel right. what i really wanted is what i’m doing now. I’ve always been independent and Alan explained to me that he is also very independent and when we come together and in our relationship we are interdependent which means we are both independent individually but when you put us together we are both trying to lift each other up and push each other to do better. I always knew i wanted to start my life early. i wanted to move out young and get married and have a family and grow together as a family all before the age of 25. That’s what i wanted but no one else wanted that but now i finally found someone who wants that. I have a job now that pays really good and i’m starting to save up to move out eventually and start living my life on my own. Do you ever really know who you are? maybe you’ll know who you are when you aren’t being influenced by your parents all the time to pick up after yourself or clean this or make sure you do something. When you get out and actually move out i’m sure you learn a lot about yourself and qualities about you that you didn’t even know had. So maybe you aren’t supposed to find yourself as a teenager. Maybe it will all come when you’re older. but who knows maybe it will never come.
8/14/2018 0 Comments Why am i even here?August 14, 2018; 11:20pmlife sucks. honestly. Do you ever know your purpose in life? will you ever know your true purpose for living? Why do things happen that change our lives forever? Things that drastically change your life, were they meant to happen? Why did i move across the country? What’s my real purpose for moving out here? Will I ever know? Only God knows the answer to that. It’s just so hard when you think you have finally found yourself and discovered who you are and then all of the sudden your life turns completely around. Everything that you thought you were is a lie. The people who you thought you loved was a lie. You thought you finally knew who you were and that was all just a lie. You can’t even get upset because when you get upset you get depressed and don’t see your reason for living anymore. because the reason you thought you knew was probably just a lie too. So why are you still here?
8/12/2018 0 Comments Is he leaving me?August 12, 2018; 11:13pmThe other day I picked up Alan and he just seemed a bit off. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but I could tell something was bothering him. The whole drive to my house we maybe exchanged 10 words and he didn't even hold my hand. I pull into the garage and I ask him what is wrong and he just starts crying. I honestly felt so bad and he just explained to me that he doesn't even know who he is anymore and that he has himself in some trouble that is gonna take a lot of work to get out of. He felt bad that he didn't have a job although he has been applying everywhere and he is just stuck and doesn't know what to do. Just as we were talking his dad calls him and asks him to move out to California for a couple months to work with him. After a while of talking to his dad he tells him that he will think about it because he doesn't want to leave me. We sat down and talked it out and both decided he should go. Then he told me that he will be leaving on Thursday of this week... If this would have been any of my previous boyfriends I would have been really upset and told them there is no way there are leaving. Although I didn't like that he was leaving I knew it was what was best for his future and he needed to do what he needed to do. So we both got kinda sad but continued on with our night. He called his dad later that night to tell him he would go and his dad actually said that he was moving back to Arizona and they are both going to get a job out here and he will be getting him a car to drive. So as of now, he is not leaving and it really showed me a sense of maturity on both of us that we aren't living in the moment and that we are both thinking of the future and how to save money and make money any way that we can. The fact that I didn't freak out and tell him he wasn't going to California was a huge step in maturity for me and I couldn't be happier with myself for acting that way and of course the fact that he isn't going to be leaving me.
8/10/2018 0 Comments First day of schoolAugust 10, 2018; 10:10pmSo my first day of senior year was August 8th and it honestly went really well. Every day im making more friends and getting more comfortable at my new school. Although the other day I got really upset thinking about how I won't be able to go to another hse football game. I wont be able to stand front row with my friends chanting and it honestly kind of got to me. I had an interview today and it couldn't have gone any worse. I was hanging out with Alan and I told him I should probably get going around 2:45 and my interview was at 4. I left myself plenty of time right? Wrong. It says it is going to take me 50 minutes to get there and I start panicking. I tried outsmarting google and it worked for a little bit. we got down to around 46 minutes to get there and then I decided to get off at an exit instead of going the way it told me to go thinking I could take back roads and it would be faster but boy was I wrong. it ended up adding an extra 30 minutes to my arrival time putting me way past 4. I got so upset I started to tear up listening to music when I get a text from my mom. I check it and notice my phone is at 8% and my charger is no where to be found. Keep in mind that I have no idea how to get to my interview from where I'm at. I call Abercrombie telling them I ran into traffic and I turn off my maps and only check it every so often to make sure I'm going the right way after getting off at the exit and then turning around and getting right back on where google told me to go the first time. I finally make it there. So upset. I park my car in the first place I see and sprint. Keep in mind I'm in a mall and have no idea where Abercrombie is. I finally find it arriving at 4:17. I arrive busted as hell. I was sweating so bad, I sprinted in Docs and I have blisters all over my feet and my phone is now at 4% with still no idea on how to get home from where I am at. I get interviewed with another girl and the actual interview went really good. Walking out I told the girl that I don't even know how to get home from here and my phone is basically dead and she gives me her charger to have so I can figure out how to get home :( I guess there still are kind people in this world. We exchanged numbers as she told me about how her boss is opening up a bakery in October and is looking to hire people. Moral of the story is don't try to outsmart google because it knows the best route.
8/5/2018 0 Comments What is life?August 5, 2018; 4:00amDoes anyone know how to honestly answer this question? Life is just an experience. On average you live about 80 years in a body that is what? As Alan told me your body is just a pod for your soul. You thinking isn't the person that you look at in the mirror. You thinking is your soul and your brain working together. You live on average around 80 trips around the sun and then you die. I believe in the afterlife but as for life on Earth as you know it your 'pod' dies. Life is very confusing sometimes. Sometimes you just wanna ask "why me?", "why now?". But in the end everything works out. You adjust to the world around you based off of situations you have been put into. I saw a quote that said "in the end everything is okay, and if it isn't okay, then its not the end." But what if something doesn't go your way? Then oh well honestly. Because life is just one big experience, and then you die. Live life to the fullest because you really don't have much time. Do you really wanna spend that time in college? Or traveling? I know at least my family is pushing me to go to college. But for why? and what if I want to take a year off? I should be allowed because it's my life in the end not theirs. I should be able to experience things in the way that I want to experience because 80 years goes by pretty fast. I shouldn't have to live my life the way that everyone else does and the way society taught our parents that is the right way to raise their kids. In the end it is my life. Why is it that when things don't go a specific way such as 'go to school, go to college, marry someone, move in, start a family, its looked at as wrong. What if someone wants to travel or follow their passion? Why is that so against standards and why is it looked at as such a wrong thing? Things are going to be put in my way to help me and to challenge me. But im challenging myself to start thinking about what I want in my future and how I want to experience my life and im challenging you to do the same.
August 1, 2018; 1:16amSo I talked earlier in my previous blog how I had a nail in my tire, well that being said, I have been driving on a spare tire since Saturday. Spare tires are only supposed to last for around 70 miles and you can't drive about 50mph. Alan and I didn't hang out on Sunday so we wanted to hang out on Monday because it felt so weird to not see each other. I told him how I didn't wanna drive on my spare tire for that long alone since I don't know how long it will last me. So to make sure that he got to see me he took the bus to get to my house just so we could hang out on Monday because we missed each other so much. Thinking back on my previous relationships I can honestly say no one would have done that for me. If I wasn't able to hang out then oh well we just wouldn't see each other that day. But he goes out of his way to see me even when I can't get around to picking him up. So later Monday night we went to the gym and it was honestly brutal. I have never worked and pushed myself so hard. He wants to be a personal trainer so he was pushing me to always do one more and exceed what I did the last time and thats honestly just what I needed was for someone to push me to be better and do better things for myself. Today is Tuesday and we hung out today around 7 and we went night swimming and talked about the future and things we want in life and it honestly feels so good to have someone in my life that is mature and understands what they want. Especially when it is someone that is just like you. We were talking and I asked him if he believes in soulmates. He hesitated and then said yes but not exactly. The way he explained it was that in some form of life you know each other and you both are together up there, but then you agree to come down to Earth and experience life and better yourself and learn new lessons and learn more about yourself and life and then eventually you reunite but on Earth and its an incredible feeling that we call 'feeling like soulmates'. Honestly after he explained It like that I can't stop thinking about it. It is so crazy how we even came to find each other. Even the fact that I moved out to Arizona and I was so depressed when I had to leave everyone but AJ told me that theres something waiting out here for me and I honestly believed her and she was so right. I didn't exactly know what I wanted to do with my life but he opened my eyes to a world of possibilities and I can't wait for the future. I haven't been depressed one night since we started hanging out and my whole persona has changed completely for the better. I watched a video today that said "when you know you found the one, you know" and I honestly don't think that could be more true. There isn't one thing I would change about him. I hope that everyone can find someone that makes you as happy as he makes me.
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