6/28/2018 0 Comments Thinking backJune 28,2019 9:07pmThinking back on my relationship with Dru is really hard for me. In the beginning we were flirty and always discovered new things about each other but as time goes on in any relationship eventually you run out of new things to share about yourself. I feel like ever relationship comes to this point as some point. But im realizing now that once you get to know someone so well you are supposed to grow together. like ive said in a post below, "everyone lives every day different". you guys wont have the same day every day. But besides that, grow together and love each other for what they have to offer. Just because things aren't new anymore doesn't mean you have to lose love for them. When people get to this point in their relationship I feel like is when it gets hard when things end. Being with Dru for so long had a really big impact on how I grew up. Him being with me changed the way I dressed, saw myself, acted, and even the music I listen to. I honestly wouldn't be who I am without him. But isn't that what is supposed to happen? I saw a tweet the other day that said "Hardest pill to swallow is that God puts people in our lives that are meant to be here for a lesson not a lifetime". I love that. Ive never thought about it before. Maybe Dru was put in my life to change me into who I am today but maybe I'm just crazy. When we started talking I was 14. August 14, 2016 we started dating. I was 15. growing up, between the age of 14-17 is a huge difference. When we first started dating his mom would still drive him over and it was all seen as young love. because thats what it was... to them. To me it was different. We had been dating for a while and hanging out every day. We argued here and there but always worked it out. I found us making excuses. "Oh when you get your license we wont argue as much cuz we can hang out more" "oh when I get my license we will be able to hang out even more and we wont argue about gas money". But that just simply not true. But don't get me wrong I loved our car rides together as we sang along to Kodak's new album. Everything we did together I could never forget. Prom night we drove to the beach by my house in the cold and danced to Ed Sheeran's song 'Perfect'. I made memories with him I can never forget or replace. we wrote letters to each other on our months and I always thought to myself that I was going to look back on them when we got married. After a year of dating we talked about our future and what it looks like. I mean he was going into his senior year and I was going to be a junior. After this year he was going to go to college. We talked about our 10 year anniversary trip and how we were going to go to Disneyland in Paris. We talked about what we would name our kids and what age we wanted to get married. Sometimes id ask myself if he was agreeing just to please me or if he truly loved me and felt the same things I felt. After our one year came up things were already going south. He would be leaving my house early and lying about a lot. we would fight a lot and neither one of us liked it. December 23, 2017 we broke up. We had 'broken up' in the past and gotten back together and honestly sometimes I would start fights just to be petty to see if he truly wanted me and cared about me. I honestly thought we were going to get back together. But we didn't. After we broke up I dated one of his friends. He asked me out after the ball dropped and the next day I got into a car accident with him. I was on my phone looking at a text from Dru that said "you weren't missing me while you were kissing him" I threw my phone pulled out of my parking space livid. I turned left and crossed four lanes of traffic and got t boned and completely totaled my car and put myself in the hospital. While in the hospital I realized the only person I wanted there was Dru but again he said "theres nothing I can do. I dont want to see you". For some reason I cant seem to put him completely to the side. For some reason I have the crazy idea that later in life we will meet up again and make things work. But I know it wont happen. It still hurts me that I know someday he will have a family and it wont be with me. But it doesn't affect him at all. and that hurts me whether I show it or not. Still to this day when I hear the song Perfect play I cry. its been well over 6 months and I still cry. He and I text and snap and we are friends. we don't talk everyday but we catch up every once in a while. And I somehow always get to the point where I tear myself down and break myself and I ask him "do you ever think we will get back together?" He always says "idk you cant tell the future and neither can I". I proceed to ask "well do you still love me?" and he always says "no Im sorry"... I don't know why I always ask because I always know the answer and it always hurts. It still hurts. Im not mentally okay. Ive come to terms with that. I have a lot wrong in my head. His excuse for a lot was "I can't help you anymore", "you need help that I can't give". All I wanted was someone to talk to when I was having a hard time. Or "ill drive over to your house if you'll just give me a hug" I got the response "I cant I'm busy". If someone wants you and knows that they can help you don't you think they would do everything to help you? He's not the only one that have said those things to me either. One of the reasons Blaze and I didn't work (besides me moving across the country) was because he called me Psychotic and I need to go to an asylum. He also said "I cant help you anymore", "I've done all I can for you". The other night when I asked Dru "Do you still love me?" and he responds with "no I'm sorry" I told him ill never find anyone. Who will want someone that always needs reassurance? Who will want someone like me? Why would anyone want me? Im a "horrible person" as I've been told before. So why would anyone want me? But I know that eventually someday I will find someone that will do everything they can to help me and reassure me any time that I need it. Someone that will help me get help and someone that will stick by my side through it all. Don't let people drag you. Change as the people around you change. Let people come in and out of your life and teach you lessons that you may have otherwise never learned. Don't get to attached to people because you never know what could happen. I saw another tweet that said "the people who died today had plans for tomorrow" and that couldn't be more true. You have to take experiences and learn from them but dont dwell on the past and things that you cant change.
0 Comments
6/25/2018 0 Comments updateJune 25, 2018 11:25pmI went back to the doctor today for my teeth and he said im healing well. ive lost a couple pounds so thats good but im very bored. Milo has been helping a lot with keeping me busy but I wish I had someone to hang out with tomorrow. I really wanna go out and run errands with someone. But I leave for Cali in a week and I get to bring my puppy and I get to see my best friend Lily!! She's coming out June 30th and leaving July 16th and I am soooo excited to have her here and go on a vacation with her!! I haven't seen her in almost a month and im going crazy but only a week left until I get to see her!!!!
6/22/2018 0 Comments Wisdom teethJune 22, 2018 10:10pmSo I got my wisdom teeth out today and I think im officially dying. It hurts way more than expected. When I first got there I was on loopy medicine already and so they gave me my very first IV then he drew my blood and a nurse walked in and the doctor asked if she has done this before and she said no so in my head I was freaking out. I then was out like a light until about halfway through I woke up to the sound of them drilling my teeth out. I can not believe I woke up in the middle of it. but because I was so loopy I didn't even care I just fell back asleep. After, they couldn't find my mom and everyone was talking about how they couldn't find her. Over all I was very emotional and couldn't stop crying. I made it home we had people putting in our new floors and all I wanted was my puppy and so I laid in bed all day with my puppy. I think he could sense something was wrong with me because he kept licking my jaw and face where I had my surgery. I took a narcotic which I was hesitant to take but the pain was soooo bad. After I took my narcotic my nose continuously bled. I am now laying in bed with my puppy by my side seeing if I can register him to be an anxiety dog. I hope everyone had a better day then I did :)
6/21/2018 0 Comments I got a puppy?!June 21, 2018 10:33pmMy mom and I went to the mall today and found a puppy but her boyfriend said no due to the price. So my mom found one on craigslist for a lot cheaper and we ended up getting him! He is 8 weeks old and he is a tea cup yorkie so he wont get bigger than about 5 pounds. I am hoping that I can make him an anxiety dog and end up being my 'service dog'. I am so blessed and happy to finally have a puppy!! I'll include some pictures below
6/20/2018 0 Comments my ex and i are on good terms?June 20, 2018 10:40pmSo I recently unblocked my ex that I dated for two years, Dru. We talked a lot today and it actually made me really happy and brought back old memories. We laughed just like we used to and talked just like we used to. The whole situation with him was a right person wrong time. If we would have met now we both agree we would have been good together which is kind of depressing but who knows what the future holds. Maybe someday we will meet up again and hit things off. Don't shut people out of your life forever because you never know they could make you happy someday. We caught up and were just talking about things that have happened in our lives recently and I told him about how I got super depressed the other day. I don't think like other people do. To me I think that if I were to kill myself that people would be upset for a little bit but eventually they will just continue on with their life and not ever think or remember me again. He recently had someone who killed themselves in his family and he said it makes him sad that I thought like that because it isn't true. He said that he thinks that his aunt probably thought the same way that I think and there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think of her. This really changed a lot for me. Even if you think the impact will only be short term it wont be short term for everyone and you have to think about those people..
JUNE 20, 2018 5:11PMA couple of days ago blaze and i got into a huge fight. i said some things i definitely shouldn’t have said. it ended up with him blocking me and now i have no way to get ahold of him. now that i’m better and in the right state of mind i want to apologize. but because i’m blocked i have no way of doing so. make sure you think about everything that you say before you send it because you could regret it in the end and you may never get the chance to take it back.
6/20/2018 0 Comments things are getting betterJUNE 18, 2018 11:57PMToday has definitely been a day to remember. Last night was a very hard night for me as i dealt with my depression. I was clean from cutting since April 20th of this year and last night was the first time that i have since then. As i over came that today actually turned out to be the best day i’ve had since i moved out here. First we went to the bmv to get our liscenses and plates. i ended up not having to take a drivers test and i also got the liscense plate that i wanted. after that i went to visit my new school and sign up for classes. I only have to take 2 classes a day and i get to school at 7:20 and leave at 10:30 which is the best news i could’ve gotten. After that i had to go get my wisdom teeth looked at and turns out the can’t find my nerve in my face and all of my teeth are impacted. so i have to get them removed this friday :( Then i have been snapping this guy who lives pretty close to me and we met up today at in n out and i finally made a friend! He’s super cute and is a boy version of me. it was so nice to interact with someone my own age finally again. We are going swimming tomorrow with my little brother and i am so excited. Today couldn’t have gone any better honestly.
6/20/2018 0 Comments i can't be mad... Right?JUNE 17, 2018 9:23PMFathers day has always been hard for me. My mom had me young and he left before i was born. Any of my moms boyfriends have never been like a father to me either so i have never had a father figure in my life either. seeing all of the posts on instagram kinda makes my stomach hurt because i always ask myself ‘what did i do to deserve this?’ ‘Why me?’ But the truth is that i would be a whole different person than i am right now. My life would have never been the way it was. I was raised in a small town in Indiana and we probably wouldn’t have moved from that small town and i wouldn’t have ended up where i am today with the people i’m with today. I tell myself every day that everything happens for a reason whether you like it or not. Every decision that you make has an impact on your future. God has a plan for me and it just happened to not have a father figure in it and that’s okay. But i can only pray that one day if i have kids that they can grow up to have a bond with their father and get to do all of the fun things that i never got to experience. Now back to boy problems. My friend was talking to me the other night and she told me to let the guy i was talking to go. she said he will see you living good and he will text you. just wait on it. i didn’t believe her but decided to take her advice anyway. i didn’t text or snap him for a couple days and today i got a text saying hey. take that as advice. when people see you living good they want that in their life and they’re jealous that you can be happy without them. be happy and be happy with yourself and for yourself because others will want that in their life. i was just now scrolling through instagram and i a picture of a ceiling i knew (it had posters on it that’s how i recognized it) i thought ‘oh ok he probably just posted a picture with some stupid caption’ and then i see another picture but this picture has a girls face in it. i take a harder look and sure enough it’s the guy i was talking to just a couple days ago and the girl i despise. she was in his room at 1am. but hey. i can’t be mad anymore right? be happy for yourself. people will learn to love you for you and that’s the best revenge.
6/20/2018 0 Comments everyone looks at life differentJUNE 17, 2018 4:30PMEveryone has a different take on life. Everyone sees life different. Everyone experiences different things every day. There are 7 billion people on this Earth and no 2 people have the same experience every day. What is hard to one person might be easy to the next. My struggles and things that i find hard in life you might think that it is easy and i shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Just because someone has a life that is different than you doesn’t mean that the struggles that they have in life don’t matter. Everyone has different standards in life and struggles. Don’t put people down just because you don’t think that they shouldn’t be upset about something. Respect everyone, their struggles, and their happiness.
6/20/2018 0 Comments Family can be hardJUNE 16, 2018 9:52PMFamily. you can definitely get enough of your family. For me personally I have anger issues so when i get mad i get really mad and it is pretty hard to calm me down. Something that always works for me is to be alone. If any of you know me I am very much a people person. I am very outgoing and love being around people especially friends. But sometimes you have to do things for yourself and take a break from everyone. Sometimes you have to just go for a drive and blast your favorite music. Other times you just need to sit alone in your room and chill. Always remember that it is okay to have you time. Everyone needs their own time to just sit and think for themselves without having babies crying or people talking or asking you things. In the end you have yourself and if you don’t take time for yourself you will never learn to be happy being alone. just wait on it the right people will eventually come at the right time.
|
|